God, may I have this dance?

Have you ever been so angry and sad at the same time that your body physically ached? With an intensity unbearable, the emotions seem to take on tangible form and attempt to break out of your body right at the heart. Often when I am alone, I dance as a form of prayer to God. It is in these times that words do not suffice to describe or release the fierceness of what I am experiencing as music and movement can. I enjoy expressing pleasant emotions in dance as well. Joy for example cannot remain bottled up inside either. If only that were why I was dancing today. Today, I was trying to dance out my pain, it was lovely while it lasted but as my momentum wore off, my heart still ached, my head still hurt. Part of me wants to shut down completely and not deal with it all. The pain seems too heavy for my mind to bear. Crawling up in a ball and sleeping...and sleeping...and sleeping some more. Maybe when I awaken the hurt will have passed over like storm clouds that decide not to park over you. But, that isn't an option right now. Work needs to be done. I've got a goal and I cannot lose sight of it. God, help me through the pain. Help me to love those who cause me pain rather than harbor bitterness. Heal the brokeness.

Inconceivable Love

There are moments in life in which I almost have an attitude that I deserve love, that it is my "right" to be loved. Especially in those times when I consider myself fairly nice and reasonably "good". I convince myself that love should be mine for the taking. Though I don't consciously think of it this way, deep down there is a sense that if I behave myself and love others, I too should be loved. But, what about the times when I don't feel "nice" or "good"? Surely I am not alone in these moments in which I am utterly aware of the fact that really I don't deserve love! This is where God's love and the unconditional love of close friends/family becomes inconceivable to me! It seems that God likes to bless my socks off when I am feeling the least deserving of His love and kindness. Incredible displays of love from every direction are being poured out on me right now in a time I know very well I have no merit by which I could claim that I have earned them. NOT AT ALL!!! On the contrary, it seems that at this very moment my belongings should be hauled off and given to a more worthy person. The kindness I am being shown should definitely be handed over to a kinder person, a purer person. Not me. And yet, God is answering my prayers in outrageous ways! Why? Why would He lavish this inconceivable love on me?! The answer lies not on me, but on Him. He is good and He loves to bless! He wants me to place my trust in Him and not in myself. My "goodness" is fleeting at best, but His has always and will always exist. Thank You, God for blessing me even when I least deserve it!

Just when you think you're standing firm...

...you fall the hardest.
If there is anything I do not want to be, it's a hypocrite! And yet, there have been times in my life that I knew something was wrong and tried to help others to walk in the right direction, and then just when I thought I was standing firm, I fell the hardest into the very pit I was trying to help others avoid!
This is where I find myself now: Looking around myself at the pit I have fallen into and staring upward for rescue. Funny thing about pits...they are easy to fall into and very difficult to get out of. Some are impossible to get out of without help from someone who is outside your predicament.
The actual fall isn't what hurts...it's the landing after the fall...it's the bruises and cuts that result from the fall. Falling can feel like a rush...it can feel pleasurable until you hit the rocky bottom.
This is a wake up call and a very humbling experience. Had I been too prideful? Did I think I was beyond falling? Somehow immune to this type of fall?
So now what?
Do I condemn myself for having fallen? Do I add to the bruises and cuts by "beating myself up"? Or do I come broken before God and plead for His help and forgiveness...for His healing...
For me the most difficult aspect to swallow is that I willfully rebelled against God. I knew better. He has forgiven me countless times. Have I trampled on His grace? Have I exceeded my forgiveness quota? (I don't think there is one, but that is how I feel at this moment).
This is where I am right now...waiting on God to rescue me from the harm I have done to myself.

Love the Unlovable

Flaws from being unripe, spoiled or mistreated…
Scars…self-inflicted or as a result of someone else’s error, intentional or accidental…

No one is perfect. This may be a cliché statement, and I have long been aware of its truth, but then why do I always seem so surprised when I discover a flaw or a scar in someone else? And why do I see so many people, including myself, often giving up on a friendship or a relationship because of these imperfections??? Are we not ourselves marred? We act as though God’s command to love was contingent upon the perfection of our loved ones. How very far from the truth! God knows better than anyone that we are stained. When He commanded us to love one another, it was with full knowledge that we are not always loveable. It helps to remember that He also said “love your enemies…and pray for them…feed them if they are hungry…give them something to drink if they are thirsty.” Well, our enemies are difficult to love, but often this seems so impersonal anyway that we, by God’s grace do it…even if only because we are “supposed to”. But, I am much more concerned about another area of love and that is of loving our friends who hurt us…who are imperfect and broken. My heart aches at the brokenness I have seen in people I love, and in myself. Often these hurts are of our own doing. Sin is a word that a lot of people cringe upon hearing, but all this hurt is a result of sin. I feel the need to define sin, as it is so overused and often people shut down when it is mentioned.
Dictionary.com defines it as: “any reprehensible or regrettable action, behavior, lapse, etc.”.
So, for those of you who hate the word “sin” think of it this way. Have you ever done anything that is regrettable or that caused pain in yourself or another person? Have you ever acted in a way that you would be ashamed for someone else to know?
If I wait to fully befriend people who are perfect, I will never love because such a person does not exist! This world is messy. We are desperately wounded and often very difficult to be around, but this is what is amazing about what God calls us to do! LOVE THE UNLOVEABLE! Don’t abandon a person at the first sign of difficulty. Oh God, help me to practice what I am speaking!!! So that we would have an example of what this looks like, Jesus demonstrated His love for us in that while He was being beaten and ABANDONED by those who called themselves friends in the moment He needed them most…He cried out a prayer for them! He prayed for them!? He asked that God would forgive them! Relationships are very messy. Don’t expect everything to be all lined up in a row and all to run smoothly without road bumps along the way! Love the unlovable! Whether you realize it or not, you have had unlovable moments too! I am very aware of those times in myself. Anybody who has any delusions about me, will quickly realize that I have many character flaws, but God has loved me all along and He has given me wonderful friends who have stayed by my side when I deserved to be kicked to the curbside (is that an expression? It is now;-).
So, pray that we would follow in Jesus’ footsteps and love even when it hurts!

Seek first to understand!

Why is it that people like to be able to fit everything into a category, a stereotype, a "box"? As if anything could fit neatly into these categories we create! I was thinking about some today and trying to see where I fit in. It seems that I don't fit anywhere exactly. I might match a quality or two and then it all washes down the drain at some point. For example, I am not what you would call a "city girl" (at all), but then I also don't have the know-how of a "country girl" either (though I would enjoy learning). I am definitely not your typical "girly girl" (by far), but I wouldn't call myself a "tomboy" either. I am not shy (usually), but then I am also not extremely talkative (usually). I don't like boxes! People can never fit perfectly into some broad stereotype and yet we try to read people as if there were a formula based on some superficial quality they possess. Shouldn't we instead listen and seek to understand people rather than group them with others who SEEM like them?

Pray that my character would match my name!

Before you read, I want to explain why this is so important to me. Most of my life I have wished my name were Michelle. When I was little, I simply loved the name and preferred its sound to Heather. As I grew older, my affection for the name Michelle grew stronger as I found out it's meaning "Who is like God?" I thought of it as a reminder that no one is God's equal (with the exception of the persons of the trinity). Heather seemed so plain, lacking in spiritual significance. Lately, God has been revealing to me that the name Heather is significant to him and that it is rich with meaning. I found this online and loved it. I pray that this imagery of the Heather plant would be true of my character. I copy and pasted the material from the site, but I am also giving you the link so as not to plagiarize.

http://www.electricscotland.com/gardening/heather.htm

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When God first made the world, He looked at the bare and barren hillsides and thought how nice it would be to cover them with some kind of beautiful tree or flower. So he turned to the Giant Oak, the biggest and strongest of all of the trees he had made, and asked him if he would be willing to go up to the bare hills to help make them look more attractive. But the oak explained that he needed a good depth of soil in order to grow and that the hillsides would be far too rocky for him to take root.

So God left the oak tree and turned to the honeysuckle with its lovely yellow flower and beautiful sweet fragrance. He asked the honeysuckle if she would care to grow on the hillsides and spread her beauty and fragrance amongst the barren slopes. But the honeysuckle explained that she needed a wall or a fence or even another plant to grow against, and for that reason, it would be quite impossible for her to grow in the hills.

So God then turned to one of the sweetest and most beautiful of all the flowers - the rose. God asked the rose if she would care to grace the rugged highlands with her splendour. But the rose explained that the wind and the rain and the cold on the hills would destroy her, and so she would not be able to grow on the hills.

Disappointed with the oak, the honeysuckle and the rose, God turned away. At length, he came across a small, low lying, green shrub with a flower of tiny petals -some purple and some white. It was a heather.

God asked the heather the same question that he’d asked the others. "Will you go and grow upon the hillsides to make them more beautiful?"

The heather thought about the poor soil, the wind and the rain - and wasn’t very sure that she could do a good job. But turning to God she replied that if he wanted her to do it, she would certainly give it a try.

God was very pleased.

He was so pleased in fact that he decided to give the heather some gifts as a reward for her willingness to do as he had asked.

Firstly he gave her the strength of the oak tree - the bark of the heather is the strongest of any tree or shrub in the whole world.

Next he gave her the fragrance of the honeysuckle - a fragrance which is frequently used to gently perfume soaps and potpouris.

Finally he gave her the sweetness of the rose - so much so that heather is one of the bees favourite flowers. And to this day, heather is renowned especially for these three God given gifts.

I pray that......

I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad.

Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together! (Psalm 34:1-3)